So close

Well that didn't last long. I was almost there.....feeling good was there for a fleeting moment. Now it's all gone. Nothing I could do, I tried but just lost it's grip. It would have helped if I hadn't asked stupid questions and not helped others go down....I knew this was gonnna happen. Don't help that I seem to absorb other peoples moods...dammit it....was beginning to look good!

Why?

Why do i do it?
I'm not sure I like this feeling
You can make me feel great
But more often shit!

I don't need you
I'm better than this
I am so weak
That i need you for 'help'?

I've seen what you do to people
I hate what you can do to me
Why do we do it?
What's so great?

I need

I need to find happiness
I don't know where to look
Everytime I think i've found it
Just get close
Something takes it away

I need to find that person
Someone to love me for who I am
Not what I try to be
An inkling of friendship
They see to runaway

I need sort out where I'm going
Worry about myself for once
They can look after themselves
Get it sorted, find the right path
Break free form this never ending cycle

So many voices that want to be heard.......

.......so much to mention but you can't find the words.

I wish...

I wish I could say how I felt
I wish I could find the words

I wish I could say what I need to
I wish you could listen

I wish it wasn't so hard
I wish it wouldn't be so painful

I wish sometimes I didn't need 'help'
I wish it made more sense

I wish you could get inside and see
I wish you knew it all

I wish...

Selsey sunset 15th Oct 2005

Selsey sunset - Lads trip to Selsey Oct '05

What the......

WHAT THE FUCK?!? I can't believe you thought it let alone considered it! Thinking about emotions....OVERLOAD.....sadness, anger, confusion all at once. Haven't stopped thinking all day, fuck no, since. Getting angry now and it's two days later.....you have no idea.

Emotions/Feelings

They are strange things. Been thinking about it all day. They just seem to creep up on you when you least expect it. Take you over, either put you into a good or bad mood, but then I suppose that is another separate feeling/emotion. Happiness, sadness, excitement, anger, let down, hatred, fear, emptiness and the big one, some say, LOVE. You can't separate emotions and feeling 'cos each emotion usually makes you feel about five different things at the same time. They are all hard to describe and it's not until you experience them you can properly understand them. Even then then they still leave wondering "what was that?" "why did I feel that?".

There's always two that seem to come out more with me, one being anger and the other being.....well....not the right word...I suppose love. Not love in the usual context, but the caring, friendship, want to help out type.....can't explain it properly. I think it always starts with the 'love' and then somehow leads onto the anger. Defiantly think I am a very emotional person. Maybe not always showing it on the outside but definitely inside. Beginning to learn that isn't usually good.

Went through most of then, if not all of them over the weekend, some more than others, some formuch longer than others. Alcohol (yes again!) seemed to play a key part but it was an interesting, if not difficult, roller coaster. Defiantley draining but some of it had been a long time comming. It's not until I was looking back today that it made me realise how different emotions make you act and react to others. Equally how they act and react towards you and sometimes how you interpret the stuff they do or say. You gotta take a step back and look at things differently......

......I had to leave this and come back 2 hours later.....can't remember where I was going.....