One big mess!

Do you ever get the feeling you've completly fucked up on everything? Or that things are fucking you over? Maybe it's just me making things out to be worse than they are, but over the past two years every thing seems to be going downhill.

I didn't want to make this into a moaning, boohoo, my crap life thing but this is how i'm feeling!

I'm stuck in a boring job (supermarket supervisor) which I was supposed to be out of two years ago. 'Get out of it' everybody says. I'm trying, just to lazy and scared of what's out there to do something. It's just to convinient, what I know and pure lack of confidence. Need a good kick up the arse!

The friends I have seem to be slowly drifting away. I somehow feel it's my fault by not keeping in touch enough or just generally being annoying. I don't know. I'm still here with the olds living my mundane life, while they all seem to be getting on with it and having a great time (well that's how it appears).

Last year ('04) I did did something that I thought would completly change my life. It took me three years to finally admit it to myself . I came out. "I'm gay" I told my (close)friends, including two ex's. They all accepted it and proved what great friends they are. This made me realise I should have done it a lot sooner shouldn't have had all those sleepless nights and worry! But here I am, nearly a year later, not living my life really any differently. Not sure what I really expected, but I thought it would be better that this. Sometimes feel that it may have been better just to have kept quiet. Just don't know. Just need to get out there and meet new people.

Now comes the big worry of telling the olds. I Feel that I'm lying to them. I feel trapped by not being able to be the 'real' me. I just don't know how it will go. Sometimes they seem to have very 'old' ideas and thoughts.

Just stuck in a rut and I'm seeing no way out!