What was I moanin about?

Well scrap last nights post...won't delete cos it's on here now. Glad I didn't go out in the end. Gave me a chance to get up and achieve a fair bit today. Couple of things fcked up but should work out. Wow a near positive post! All good!

Another Saturday nite...

Well here I am, in on a Saturday night. No biggie. Just annoyed I have got no real alternatives. Seems to be happening more and more and know it may continue the whole bank holiday. Prob don't help myself.

All because of some selfish people whos idea didn't quite work out and so they can't be bothered. Think they forget how much is tolerated of them and especailly after last weeks shite. Know I'm prob not one to talk...but still...I try not to fck it up for all.

About?

Got no idea wat I'm about anymore. Totally lost where I'm going or wat's up with me. Seem to be nice one minute, spitting venom the next. Viscious circle of being unhappy about things and so not being in the best of moods, then being unhappy cos of my mood swings.

Know it's not good being with me sometimes. I know that I can't be the best to talk to sometimes. Thinking that is why there are quiet periods. Try to take myself away from it all but often feel cut off. I try to stop it. I try to keep a lid on it, but sometimes surpressing it just makes it worse and it explodes thru worse than it I had just let it out.

Strange feeling that I've matured a lot over the past few years, but in some areas more so than others. At times I feel I've got progressed past 18. Got to that age and certain parts of my brain stopped. Perhaps it's the whole self discovery thing. I thought I knew what I was all about but I was wrong.

Given up?

Think I've given up caring. Dunno if it's cos I feel bleugh (fckin colds!)but just seem to be letting it all pass me by. I'm being talked at but it aint goin in, just switchin off. Just all the same old crap repeated. Fed up, given up.

Pointless Post

Came here to blog, to vent my anger but have no reason to. Shouldn't be pissed off about it, it's happened and that's that. Could have seen it all wrong. Well no point dwelling on it.

Asking me...

...I've got no idea! If I knew it all I wouldn't be here. Dunno how I come across but I've certaily not got it all set out. Far, far from it. Honoured...misguided LOL!

Time to return...

Well this seems to be turning into a weekly blog...never mind. Not much to put as usual. There again I often put that the write a whole essay.

Been an odd, stressful, tiring couple of days. A few things have happend that would have made me normally stop and start analysing everything. Maybe even start me heading down again. Well they've not. No idea why. Still feeling moderately happy, definately better than last week. Apart from the nicer weather no real reason. Maybe I'm beginning to realise it's not worth it.

Got this niggling feeling I've pissed a couple of people off, but no real idea of why. Things gets asked, I give an answer. Could be just me I suppose.

Sorry

I suppose I really wanna do is say sorry.

Sorry for all the arguments.
Sorry for the upset I cause.
Sorry for worrying to much.
Sorry for not worrying enough.
Sorry for the flip-outs.
Sorry for how I can be, dealing with me can't be easy sometimes.
Sorry for keep saying sorry.
Sorry for this post, it's just me, I'll get over it.

Random posting

Thought I'd better make a post as I've not for over a week. Not alot to put, same old, same old. Some parts are movin on, but then others not, and some even creeping backwards. Think I was doing better than I was but feel myself sometimes going back and doing the things I had tried hard to stop. There are couple of main things I'm tryin to move forward on, none seem to be happening fast. Will it be a waking one day and a sudden all falling into place?

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This was going to be a post on Sunday but never posted...still not totally sure I wanna...

I don't mean to pry, I really don't. And if things are not told to me then fair enough. Just hard and annoyin sometimes, when I'm often so free with what I tell, that it's not the same for every one. Questons are aske to me so equalliy I ask questions. I know I'm told more than most and I hope trust is never the issue, been burnt too many times myself to do the same. What is said to me stays with me. I know I don't need to know all and I know I have no right over others. I know I can be over bearing sometimes. Things don't need to be different. If this is the way they are, this is the way they are. I just need to understand this and not be so 'me' about it.

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Do I need to pay more attention to my life? Stop trying to help and sort out? Getting bored of figuring and analysing mine. Is that the problem, I am keeping myself 'busy' so I don't sit and ponder? But if they need/want it I gotta help.

Maybe I should stop worrying about it all and just get on with it. Try and let people accept me for who and what I am. Often say I do but always thinking about what I'm saying and doing so I don't look the fool. Surely who I'm with know me well enoguth by now? The things I'm trying to change about myself are the things that need to be changed for everyone's sake. The rest who knows? Live with it?

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Basically everything is still bleugh in my head, I still have no clue and I really want to find the answers. Maybe not all of then but some would be handy. Just all feels a bit fcked up sometimes and I just wanna give up.