Saturday, April 30, 2005

Oh Life.....

Why is life so complicated?
It is definately a test.
You think you're doing right
Then after it seems so wrong.

The ones you want to be with,
Never seem to want to be there to.
Am I that bad? Paranoia setting in,
Wish my brain would just shut down.

The days pass by,
Saturday once more.
Where have I been? What have I done?
It's starting to blur.

I should be happy,
sure there's others worse off.
There's things missing
I must explore and find them.

I'm sorry blog,
You were not made for all this,
but i need to let it out somehow.
I'm gald you are here to assist.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

The one, anyone?

I'm actually in a good mood but I've had this going around my head and it needs to get out.....

I sitting here thinking. Waiting.
Will I ever find you? The one, anyone?
I often think about how look, how you sound,
To hear you voice, even on the phone.
Will we ever meet? That would mean me being where you are.
Will that ever happen? I'm having doubts.

I see couples together,
They often seem so happy.
Holding hands, each other, laughing, some crying.
I want, no, I need that.
Oh just to have you here to take away the lonely times.

Birthday

Well it's come to that time of year again. Another year has passed and tomorrow (April 25th) I'm 23. Managing to stretch the celebrations over 5 days, which I think is quite impressive. So far, and as far as I can remeber, it's been one of the better ones. Feeling knackered and definatley hung over, so feels I've had a good time. Think/hope everyone else has enjoyed it. Never to sure when it's your own thing, are people just being nice?

So far we've been pubbing, barring(?), clubbing and even had a trip to the fair (not ideal after drinking the night before but hey!). Still got one more pub trip to do and a meal with the olds.....then death!

Then it all begins again with a friends birthday on Friday and Kylie on Sunday!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Gay triangle History

Found some info today on the history of the triangle symbol from http://www.rainbowcoin.com/triangle_symbol.htm . Found similar stuff before but without as much detail. Well it interested me........

The Rainbow Triangle is easily one of the more popular symbols for the gay community.
During WWII, gays were only one of the many groups targeted for extermination by the Nazi regime. It is unfortunately the group that history often excludes.

The history of the triangle begins before WWII, during Adolph Hitler's rise to power. Paragraph 175, a clause in German law prohibiting gay relations, was revised by Hitler in 1935 to include kissing, embracing, and gay fantasies as well as sexual acts. Convicted offenders -- an estimated 25,000 just from 1937 to 1939 -- were sent to prison and then later to concentration camps. Their sentence was to be sterilized, and this was most often accomplished by castration. In 1942 Hitler's punishment for homosexuality was extended to death.
The social Hierarchy among prisoners.
(1.) The green triangle marked its wearer as a regular criminal(2.) The red triangle denoted a political prisoner(3.) Two yellow triangles overlapping to form a Star of David designated a Jewish prisoner(4.) The pink triangle was for gay men(5.) The black triangle was for lesbians, prostitutes; women who refused to bear children(6.) A yellow Star of David under a superimposed pink triangle marked the lowest of all prisoners -- a gay Jew.

Although the total number of the gay prisoners is not known. Gay prisoners reportedly were not shipped en masse to the death camps at Auschwitz, a great number of gay men were among the non-Jews who were killed there. Estimates of the number of gay men killed during the Nazi regime range from 50,000 to twice that figure.When the war was finally over, countless homosexuals remained prisoners in the camps, because Paragraph 175 remained law in West Germany until its repeal in 1969.

In the 1970's, gay liberation groups resurrected the pink triangle as a popular symbol for the gay rights movement in the 1980’s; ACT-UP (AIDS Coalition To Unleash Power) began using the pink triangle for their cause. They inverted the symbol, making it point up, to signify an active fight back rather than a passive resignation to fate.

Like the pink triangle, the black triangle is also rooted in Nazi Germany. Although lesbians were not included in the Paragraph 175 prohibition of homosexuality, there is evidence to indicate that the black triangle was used to designate prisoners with anti-social behavior. Considering that the Nazi idea of womanhood focused on children, kitchen, and church, black triangle prisoners may have included lesbians, prostitutes; women who refused to bear children, and women with other "anti-social" traits. As the pink triangle is historically a male symbol, lesbians and feminists have similarly reclaimed the black triangle as a symbol of pride and solidarity.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Thought


Just thought I'd make a post seeing as I haven't for a week now. Not got anything to really say, as usual just sat her, head not thinking. Will leave you with this thought.......... Posted by Hello

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Bad Monkey No Banana: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

Bad Monkey No Banana: How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity Something funny I found on this blog.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

What to do?

Now I'm sat here wanting to write something deep and meaningful, but not being able to think of anything. Wondering if anybody is actually reading this post or any of my blog. Am i just typing away into the the depths of the internet? Loosing all my thoughts and feelings and nobody being there to catch them.....

I'm thinking of sending a link to all my friends, but do I really want them reading what they can't normally gain access to? The things that are usually going around in my head are now finding a means of escape through this entire blog. Am I ready for them to find out my true feelings? Will they actually care about anything I have put here? I just don't know.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Something I found/stole from another blogger

Was reading through some other blogs and found this post by Nutter! about trust and friends. Some of it sums up the way I'm feeling about things at the moment. Just wish I could put it the same way they have!

http://nutter18.blogspot.com/2004/12/trust.html

I originally began to read this thinking it was just some silly teen, what have they yet experinced in life. As I got more and more into I realised that at the age of 22, nearly 23, I was having the same thoughts and feelings that she was having. Got me thinking, does this mean she has a mature outlook on life or do I ahve an immature one? I'm fearing, often, that it is the later of the two.

Friday, April 08, 2005

That Friday feeling!

Well It's finally Friday. Thought it would never come, after the long hectic week at work. Now I've got the whole weekend ahead of me. It's about this time my thoughts turn to waht's gonna happen tonight. Where will we end up? Who's gonna go? How are we gonna ge ther Who will pull out at the last minute? Who will end up arguing with who? and why?

It usually turns into to a pub trip. Nobody seems to want to do the clubbing thing anymore. Apparetly to expensive, no one relly want's to drive and the last train is at 11.30. I give up! Arguments seldom happen anymore and it's usually after a few to many.

Then it's a bundle back into the car ready for the 'I don't feel to good' or 'I wish I had gone to the toilet' ride home. Thinking 'which pocket is my house key in, if I still have it at all?!' and 'where the hell is my phone?!' before realising that you are holding it. Needing to do that undecodable txt 2 sum1, or leaving a voice mail for an unsuspecting, sleeping friend to find in the morning......

Thursday, April 07, 2005

CHOOOONS!!!

Sat here looking through other blogs. Listening to a trance radio channelfrom a siteI found on another blog, http://www.di.fm/ ,(forget which one, but if you read this then thanx it's wkd!). Suddenly got me thinking of all the great trance choons (or tunes) that were about a couple of years a go. All the times I was stood in a club, totally off my face, arms in the air for the break/vocal bits, totally lost in the music. Not caring about anything else, just the sounds surrounding me.

At one point it was nothing but trance for me, maybe a little harcore now and then, but trance was it for me. The one great tune that got to me, including the hairs on the back of my neck standing up and sometimes shivers (anybody else ge that with a great tune?), was Silence by Delirium. Not sure why, just the way it built up and not hearing anything else but Sarah McLachlan's voice. Think I'm going to have to listen to it now! Another great was The Awakening by York. The (kinda) haunting melody weaving in and out. Definately another hair one! And Willaim Orbit's Barber's!

Don't think they make them like that anymore (sounding like the oldies!). Well I'm off to dig out some old trance tunage now! MASSIVE!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Words have both the power to build or destroy

Found this on a forum of a site I belong to. I read it and it suddenly made me think of all the times I had said stuff that I shouldn't have said. It made me think of all the times people had said negative stuff to me and how it had affected me. Not once did I really think of the 'build' part of it.

I for one know that I need to do more of the first and definately less of the second when talking. I don't think I'm a bad, horrible person, just sometimes my mouth runs off with me (more so with alcohol) before my brain is in gear. Then it's to late. The damage is done. I instantly feel bad about it and usually apologise. I think the apologies are now wearing a little thin.

*Added 26/04/05*
Received this in an email from a mate:

"You're right; words do hav the power to build and destroy shit, but if someone you really care about says those words they got power to completely destroy people or build them into someone they didn't believe they could be. my experience is that peolple do things to destroy other people and build other people the most without even thinking about it, but i do think about it, and what have i done? make of that what u will!"

One big mess!

Do you ever get the feeling you've completly fucked up on everything? Or that things are fucking you over? Maybe it's just me making things out to be worse than they are, but over the past two years every thing seems to be going downhill.

I didn't want to make this into a moaning, boohoo, my crap life thing but this is how i'm feeling!

I'm stuck in a boring job (supermarket supervisor) which I was supposed to be out of two years ago. 'Get out of it' everybody says. I'm trying, just to lazy and scared of what's out there to do something. It's just to convinient, what I know and pure lack of confidence. Need a good kick up the arse!

The friends I have seem to be slowly drifting away. I somehow feel it's my fault by not keeping in touch enough or just generally being annoying. I don't know. I'm still here with the olds living my mundane life, while they all seem to be getting on with it and having a great time (well that's how it appears).

Last year ('04) I did did something that I thought would completly change my life. It took me three years to finally admit it to myself . I came out. "I'm gay" I told my (close)friends, including two ex's. They all accepted it and proved what great friends they are. This made me realise I should have done it a lot sooner shouldn't have had all those sleepless nights and worry! But here I am, nearly a year later, not living my life really any differently. Not sure what I really expected, but I thought it would be better that this. Sometimes feel that it may have been better just to have kept quiet. Just don't know. Just need to get out there and meet new people.

Now comes the big worry of telling the olds. I Feel that I'm lying to them. I feel trapped by not being able to be the 'real' me. I just don't know how it will go. Sometimes they seem to have very 'old' ideas and thoughts.

Just stuck in a rut and I'm seeing no way out!

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