Would it?

Would it be all better if I just walked away and left everyone and everything to it? If I stopped the worrying, the caring, the needyness, the strops? Would it make it all easier? Would it be better to try to start over again? Would it be better to try to carry on? Would it be better just to stop saying sorry? Would it be easier to just let go?

I'm trying to make this blog a bit more happier and posting the good stuff but that just aint happening. Sorry it's another one of those posts. Had a really good couple of days, which stupudly i'm not writing about, but still things are niggling away.

Just getting fed up of feeling fed up. Seem to go through a pattern of feeling down, then it goes up and then a samll thing happens and I plummet again, manage to get a bit mote up then another plummet. It can be the stupidest, smallest thing and it just sets of a feeling or thoughts and that's it. Not even sure what is wrong most of the time, just feel down.

Sometimes I don't tell people cos it must get a bit boring if they keep askin and all i say is 'not feeling great again'. I just say 'yeah fine' so it's not a oh here he goes. Probably a stupid thing but so i'm not being negative.

Been given some advice, some it I knew, some of it was obvious and some of it def made me think and wanna change things. Need to act cos time is moving on and I'm not. Some things are just how they were nearly two years ago. Just have to see I guess.

I know i have to get outta this negative thing. Not good for me and not good for those around me. Must look like a right whingey bastard from all these posts...don't think I'm that bad.

Hate to say...

Hate to say I told you so.....but I told you so. Just couldn't leave could you? Well now it's all gone tits up and suddenly I've gotta help sort it. Not even an important or big thing, but It's just what's happened has made me so.....NUUUURRRRGGGGHHH! Right slighly better now.

On another thing...keep thinking about stuff and then making stuff up in my head about the reasons for it. Dunno why cos it's probably all bolox, just gettin myself down about shite that really don't matter.

Wisdom?

Was just thinking why and what's it about. Now I know.....fail to mention the pain...oh well!

Wisdom teeth are third molars that usually appear between the ages of 18 and 20 (although they may appear when older, younger, or fail to appear at all). They are called "wisdom teeth" because they appear so late—much later than the other teeth, at an age where people are supposedly wiser than as a child, when the other teeth erupt. Often they need to be removed when they impact against other teeth—colloquially known as "coming in sideways".

Wisdom teeth are sometimes described as an example of a "vestigial" trait. Some argue that recent changes to softer diets which cause less wear on the teeth may be causing the third molars to be less useful, and, in fact, problematic in many humans. Alternately, it is possible that wisdom teeth were useful when it was common for humans to lose several teeth to decay by the age when they appear.

Although most people have four wisdom teeth, it is possible to have more or fewer. Supernumerary teeth are any extra teeth.

Scared

Scared I'm gonna loose it all
Scared I'm gonna let it all pass me by
Scared I'm gonna act too late
Scared I'm gonna have to let it all go
Scared I'm gonna loose you
Scared I'm gonna wake up one day and it's all gonna be gone
Scared of the fact I dont have much control

Just sit here thinking, thinking, thinking.

What should have been today's first post.....

I know I put in a previous post I should do less dancing and more socialising. Well last night was def about the dancing and for once I didn't care.

Just to be there surrounded by people who didn't really give a dam what you were doing was brilliant. Just to be able to do what you want and be totally lost in it. And did i loose myself a couple of times, just me and the music swirling around me.

Just beginning to feel pain now but all worth it! The way that we were all one mass yet still being individual and making it our own thing. Think life would be so crap without music.

Weird

It'a so weird to have all my thoughts and stuff I have said come back at me. Didn't realise how simmilar it was all thought and felt. Not feeling so bad cos at least it confirms I'm not the only one. As you said, we can give out the advice, just can't listen to it. And do we need to listen.

Guess some of it is human nature, some it is knowing how different things could be. Was good to have a different take on things.

Still climbing?

I've got my life. You've all got your's. Why does my seem so much crapper and less exciting? Yeah chill out and stop worrying about what others are doing. Just a bit hard, but not as bad I was feelin on it. Gonna have to start taking risks I think. Feeling too safe. Live for the moment and not what could be or what might happen after perhaps.

Still thinking confidence is the key. Now where do I get that? All my worries seem so insignificant and stupid. Whish I could find all the answers soon.

Don't care on anyones thinking, still think it's more difficult for me. Things could be so much easier. No real regrets on it, just pondering on the flip side. Na not me.

Should I just leave it all for a bit? Step back, see what happens? Can I take that path?

.........................................................

Didn't really intend to write all this, just came out. Prob best cos not really thinkin about it too much just typing. Believe it or not just got back from a really good night. Really happy about it so not sure where that all came from. Never mind, all out for now, just a being a bit weird.

Feel a bit fed up with certain things. Can't do much about it cos it's mostly stuff I can't change myself. Probably won't mention cos I don't wanna play the whingey guy the whole time. Feels a bit double standards but not sure it it's just me being me. Maybe I need to stop caring so much and just let it go and get on with it. Will possibly just have to change my attitude and learn to live with it as it's me with the problem. I've got this far. Onwards I spose.

add on

Knew i had summin else to say on last post.....Sometimes feel that I've never achieved anyhting. It occured that I may have succeded and climbed over one of the biggests obsticles I may ever face in my life. There are still thousands of people eithter not telling people the truth or even, worse, admitting it to themselves. Belive me i'm not havin ago at them in anyway, I know how hard it is and continues to be. I don't mean that you have to tell others, has nothing to do with them. Just feel happy that I managed to take a few steps and begin to be who I really am.

Wheeee!

It's funny how one person saying something can make your head go wheeeee! At first it was a negative reaction, then as I sat and thought it became more positive.

I guess I decided I needed to do it because I was fed up with living in a pit. But then as time went on I realised deep down it was for another reason. One I thought of at the end, and even typed about, but only know really thinking what it meant. It was a way of getting rid of the old me. The one I knew and had become realively comfortable being but knowing it wasn't who I really was. Only now am I thinking it was a way of sayin I am happy with who I've become now.

It's been a bumpy couple of years but I'm getting there. Was a way of saying this is me now and I've accepted it. Of course being around accepting people helped me along this track. It's still a long one, but one day/event at a time.

Sometimes feel I can go on about it to much. Don't think people need reminding every time. Unfortunately it's important to me and that's the way I am. I need to talk about it sometimes, cos just how i listen and try to help others, I need that in return. Thankfully I do get that most of the time.

Keep going

Not really got anything to put on here but feel i should post just cos I've not for a week. Just thinking I don't wanna keep postin stuff on here and not sortin it, but on the other hand don't wannna give up and stop posting seeing as I've made it to this point.

Been a pretty ok week and seem pretty happy at the moment so prob hence the lack of posts. Work has been a bit hectic but just got on with it. No point in gettin all hung up on it and annoyed cos I still gotta deal with it either way. Now have a week off so who knows what is gonna happen, def need to sort some stuff out. Menatally and physically.

Think I'm still improving in myself. Still tryin to keep it all good. Spose I'd need others say on that one. Been a couple of slips but think I'm on the up.....? Def not feelin as crap on the whole thing as I was anyway.

Who knows? Thanx for getting this far with me.