There is a title here somewhere

Think I need to stop caring so much. Not doing me any good. It's good, it shows I'm alive and not emotionally dead, but does it stop me carrying on with my life? Sometimes yes. I know it's part of me and I know I will never stop, but maybe trying to tone it down a bit would be good.

Don't see many others being half as bad as I am. Maybe they are but just don't show it? With the people around me it just comes from them being my friends. I don't, belive it or not, like to see people upset, worried or annoyed about things. I know how bad it can feel. If they are down it can rub off on me (not meant to sound selfish...as it does re-reading it). So I wanna help. Usually I know it will be sorted or become better but at the time it still seems to affect me.

Need to stay in my life more. Adopt a bit more of the 'they can cope' attitude. Will it seem harsh? No idea but will prob allow them to get on with it more than with me floating about. Ses other people adopting this and managing to get along. Won't mean I want to stop people comming to me. As I've always said and will always say, always there to help (to many always?), but will mean they have made the first move rather than me being a bit pushy.
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On another note, prob doin the worryin, paranoid thing, but hoping I'm not seen as a user and only going to people when I want something. Honestly wasn't going to react/post/think about it but the brain went wandering off. Need to block myself from certain things. Kinda always somewhere in my head anyway. Surfaces once in a while. I try and stay in contact to see how people are doing. Hoping I don't seem to say hi just to get summin outta it for myself like a favour or to do summin. Once again always on the end of that one so don't wanna do it myself.

If there is a quiet period it generally means I've really got nothing that I feel is important to say or just lettin people get on with it. I know a simple 'hi' is no biggie but never sure of the point of tryin to have a conversation if that's all I have to say. Just to then sit...twiddles thumbs. There is more to it but get the point. Thinking always here to talk and listen so not me who needs to always make first move.

Well that was the first point of this post straight outtta the window already. Oh well. Don't mean to be so paranoid and insecure....apologies...that's a whole different post...dunno if I could cope with me...

Round and round

Round and round I go...where I'll stop, nobody knows...I sure as hell don't. Prob back where I started.


Tired, bored, paranoid, unabale to express, over-powering, messed-up(?), fed-up. Sounding fun?...na I'm alright really.

Morning after look back

Think my head ran away with me last nite...or this morning...looking at the last post. Well it's obviously what I needed to put at the time and as usual it's posted so it's staying. Kinda good in a way cos without this some things would get forgotten. Good or bad thing? All makes me the way I am each day.

All me again

Was leaving this til morning but can’t relax and sleep so hear goes...prob drunken ramblings but what I wanna say at the moment...

Jealousy is a strange and crap thing. You don’t want it too but it rears it’s ugly, green, monstrous head and BAM! It’s got u.

Fck knows why I'm bothered? I really shouldn't. For some reason, deep down it does. I didn’t want too/don’t need to make and issue of it. Spose this whole post is tho. It’s me with the problem; I don’t need to say anything. Hopefully didn't/not put a dampner on a good time

I tried to keep it in and I think I managed too as far as I know. Made a tit of myself once but I’ll live...think friendships are safe? How long before that goes bam? Probably better discussed...but no worse than some sleazes...? Know I’m difficult sometimes.

Think I'm in that place again. Trying not to be, but difficult sometimes. Def trying not to show it. Hey we live and we learn.

Good/bad?...they decide

I try to be a good mate, sometimes it's hard to have a happy medium, often feel I'm being too clingy and sometimes feel I'm being too distant. Half the time it's just me being my usual worryin, paranoid self. Just wish people could be more truthful...just tell me either way. Maybe they do and I just don't see it? Yeah I may be offened for a bit but I'll soon get over it. At least then I'll know, not necessarily change myself for them but try and do it less or calm it down a bit.

Think most of the time I'm ok. Try and be there if needed, give advice and try and say what I'm thinking and feeling. The last part often is my downfall. Prob more how I say it rather than the words I use. Need to learn to have more tact, be less abrupt. Positivity? That's my nature I'm afraid, don't mean it, just how it comes out. Think more and use words more more wisely and carefully.

Dunno if all this seems like alot of self doubting. Don't think it is, just stuff I know, figured and always thinking through. Mood still pretty medium, so more up than it was...just still sorting it all out...

Another week

Blimey another week gone by and no posts. Thought I'b better check in. The days seem to go quite slow but weirldy the weeks are flying by. dunno...crazy! Have had nothing really to post apart from the normal daily worries and stuff which I'm bored of moaning/posting about. Nearly cracked on Tuesday but now feeling pretty alright in general, if not a bit dead. Never mind, who knows what the next week will bring?

Plan

Love it when a plan finally comes together. Almost too smoothly. Don't wanna put bad luck on it. Wow things are looking up...now what next?