2005

Well here's to 2005. Writin early cos i'm thinking it and may not have time/be bothered at another point. Also just been to the pub, thinkin about things and don't wanna do bed just yet.

You've actually taught me quite a lot or should that be I've learnt and found out quite a lot? It's been a tough one. looking back all the bad times don't seem that bad (well most of them). It was a chance for me to be tested. A chance to see how I would cope.

I've learnt who my true mates are. To you thanks for being there and sticking by me. To the rest....well maybe we'll sort it? (maybe I need to tell some this exists first?).

I've learnt you don't realise how much some one means to you until there is the smallest chance they could leave your life. The fact you are powerless to do anything. You complain about them, get annoyed with them, but that's life.

I've finally realised, and still learning, that letting it out in one big BLEUGH don't get you nowhere or gain you friends. Gotta think and talk about it sensibly.

Not to get hung up on one thing or person and let it take over your life. If it all goes bad then that's it. What now? Keep an even balance and don't concentrate, plan, or rely on one thing.

Well that's it for now. I'm sure I'll think of and have to add more.

So here's to 2005 and lets hope 2006 still carries things forward!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Oh yeah....p.s. any comments appreciated

Previous

Not really sure what that was all about. Seemed the thing to do at the time. Think it was because I had been chatting about all the shit and it had no where to go once I had stopped. Sat thinking, came here, then typed. Don't feel so bad about it now. Just wanna go out and party now.....anyone wanna come?

Fcked up

It's all fcked up
You're all fcked up
I'm fucked up
We're all fcked up

I guess that's what happens where you're friends.
Ever get the feeling you're fighting a loosing battle?
How much more will I take?

Yeah fuck it! just let it all go......

Letting go

I thought I could do this but now I'm not so sure. It's certainly testing me and how much i can take or put myself through. I knew it was going to happen, I just didn't realise it would be so soon and all so quick. Feels like things are being stripped away and I'm just here standing alone watching it. Even the closer ones I feel are fading. Well i suppose I've just gotta face it and let you all go. There's nothing I can do, no point in trying to change it, I will just get hurt even more. Just let it run it's natural course and see how and where it ends.

Today

Feeling a bit loneley today. As usual no ideas. Might be weekend come down, seems to hit more often on a tuesday. Might be cos no one at work has any real idea about my life and stuff going on so can't really talk to them. That's the way i want it...don't need then knowing too much. Could have done with talking to some one this morning but realised I had no one at that point. Just made me feel alone and slightly cut off from things and people. Not sure if I should keep bothering people with how I'm feeling and shite. Still going forward, not looking back....much. Ah well....keep going...

Down blip

Still going ok but having a bit of a down day today. Not sure why, nothing really kicked it off. Think it's just stuff going on maily at work and and a bit at home, the season and all the faffing/build up. Think it's just all getting on top of me again and prob tiredness. Should be ok if I go out tonight and once I've slept on it.

Problems

Why can I never solve my problems on my own. The smallest amount of possible input from someone I have to ask and have. This can be good, it sometimes make you see things more clearly, other times it just confuses things more!

Might be the confidence thing, scared of facing things on my own. Gotta be more independant? Might be down to making a mistake and then looking an idiot after the end descision and result. Everyone makes mistakes. Aren't we meant to learn from them?

Thinking about it, it seems to be a mix of the two.

Well this is all part of the learning/changing thing I'm doin I suppose. Not sure i'm doing any better than a year ago. Feel I'm possibly getting somewhere.

Pick and drop

You can't just pick me up and drop me when you want
You can't expect me to be there when you feel like it
We all have lives, no matter how busy
You can't expect everything to be dropped for you
To be fitted into your 'hectic' life

It's been explained so many times
Still no one seems to get it
I suppose You may see it the other way
I could be the one doing the picking and dropping
Rightly or wrongly, I think your all the ones who left

I can't just pick you up and drop you when I want
I can't expect you to be there when I feel like it
We all have lives, no matter how busy
I can't expect everything to be dropped for me
To be fitted into my life

Still all getting good.....despite this small blip. Still need to get one part sorted but not found the right moment. Apart from that all good and got stuff to look forward too.

Better

Good what a couple of hours, some thinking and good music can do. Feel better than I did do. Just need to keep going. Forwards and up the hill again. Gonna keep it going.

Weird

There's these weird feeling inside. It's like something eating away. Constantly going. I've had it before but not this bad. I know what to do to try help it stop, I just don't how or when? Do I lay low for a while? Do I carry on as normal? That didn't feel right. I hate to be constantly watchin everything I say or do but maybe it is what's needed to get me thru. Just going along, not got the energy to fight no more. Am I still just making things bigger than they are? I don't know.

Can't type

I want to type, i need to type but just can't find an order or the words. I know typing on here will not make it any better or make anything right but it usually helps me sort out the jumbled mess that occurs in my head. This is definately the place I can only put it, feel that there's no point in talking it thru any more and no one to really say it to. It's my problem and I need to start sortin. There was a point where I thought I had totally fucked it up for good and I got a big empty feeling inside. That's when the lump in the throat appeared and it all came out. I didn't let on cos i knew there was no point....I had caused it all. I just wished i could stop being a dick. I did feel better about it all but now I'm not so sure. And this isn't some 'oh please feel sorry for me' post.....just wanted to let some o it out.

You

You make me laugh, you make me wanna cry. I sometimes do. You make me sad, you make me angry. You make me feel wanted, you make me feel alone. You confuse me.

?????

I really wanna put something but i dunno what....just so pissed off and messed up I dunno where to start, what to put or why!!!....Just end up one big, long rant and I don't wanna do that.....