Can't type

I want to type, i need to type but just can't find an order or the words. I know typing on here will not make it any better or make anything right but it usually helps me sort out the jumbled mess that occurs in my head. This is definately the place I can only put it, feel that there's no point in talking it thru any more and no one to really say it to. It's my problem and I need to start sortin. There was a point where I thought I had totally fucked it up for good and I got a big empty feeling inside. That's when the lump in the throat appeared and it all came out. I didn't let on cos i knew there was no point....I had caused it all. I just wished i could stop being a dick. I did feel better about it all but now I'm not so sure. And this isn't some 'oh please feel sorry for me' post.....just wanted to let some o it out.