3000

3000 visits...wow

Know you?

It's weird, I don't really know you, but I feel I know you so well. I'm probably so wrong about how I think you are, but from what I have seen you appear so simmilar to me.

Annoying that I've found someone who might actually get me and, gasp, understand me. The idea of us ever meeting is impossible. Who knows tho?

Maybe that's agood thing. Just to carry on as it is, not to fully know each other and all the 'baggage' we may have. Is that what fcks it up? To end up knowing all the tiny details and all the shite people have picked up over the years? I suppose that's what makes us all what we are and others to understand why we are.

Easier?

Don't you wish sometimes that you had something that could tell you what a person was thinking or feeling? I suppose this would be good and bad as you would see what they thought/felt good and bad about you. Plus they could do the same to you.

It would be so much easier sometimes just to be able to know how the person was and what mood they were in. Sometimes I'm so crap at it. Not because i don't take enough notice, just crap at gauging before it's too late or ask stupid questions. The flip side is I don't ask incase I'm being too nosey, know something is up and then think about it.

Something about Sunday evenings, thinking, analysing and wishing some things were different.

Just to be patriotic...and stuff I 'borrowed'

About St. George

The calendar entry for 23 April reads: "George, Martyr, 4th century." It's a curious survival when one considers that the Roman Catholic Church has dropped this date from its calendar altogether on the grounds that George is more a legend than an authentic saint. Yet some knowledge about him would be helpful since he is the patron saint of England - and therefore also of the Church of England and, in a sense, of the Anglican Communion - as well as of Portugal, Aragon and a number of Italian and Greek cities and towns including Padua and Mantua, not to mention a few centres in Germany. And in most of these places 23 April is still St. George's Day.

George is usually supposed to be the unnamed martyr mentioned by the church historian Eusebius, a soldier who in 303 AD publicly tore to pieces an edict of the Emperor Diocletian (ruled 285-313 AD) against the Christian churches in Nicomedia (a small town near the Bosporus, now called Izmit, which was the capital under Diocletian and Constantine). The protester was immediately executed. His popularity rapidly grew - and so, unfortunately, did the list of fantastical miracles attached to his name. In the Middle Eastern churches he is or was believed to have been put to death seven times, each time miraculously recovering - this appears to be a Christianisation of the old Semitic myth of the god Tammuz. The George of the seven miracles is also revered by Islam, under the name Gherghis or El Khoudi. More familiar to us is the set of legends derived from an Indo-European myth, in which George arrives in time to rescue a princess condemned to death (much against her
royal father's will) to satisfy the cravings of a dragon for human flesh. George is supposed to have speared the dragon and then either beheaded it on the spot or, using the maiden's girdle as a halter, led it to her father and beheaded it in his presence.
It is this legend that appears to have been especially popular among knights returning from the Crusades, which would account for George's adoption as a patron saint so widely in Europe. As early as 1098 he is credited with helping the Franks at the Battle of Antioch, and - as a soldier - he always seems to have been a saint who helped armies win battles.

England's patron saint under the Normans and early Plantagenets was ironically, a Saxon king, Edward the Confessor (reigned 1042-1066). (An earlier King Edward [martyred in 978] is also remembered as a saint.) George crept in first as patron of the Order of the Garter in 1348 under Edward III. (George had previously been made patron of an Austrian order of knighthood, too.) The following year Edward, during the siege of Calais, is said to have suddenly drawn his sword and called out: "Ha! Saint Edward. Ha! Saint George!" According to Thomas of Walsingham, these words "instilled spirit in his soldiers and they fell with vigour on the French and routed them". From then on, George was England's favourite, and Pope Benedict XIV declared him to be England's protector.

The blood-red cross of St. George now also became associated with England. This had not always been George's: the Archangel Michael appears to have found his way into heraldry first, as a knight in silver armour with a red cross on his shield and banner, symbolically killing the Devil in the shape of a dragon. This image was transferred to George, however, and appears in the regalia of the Order of the Garter. It was the custom of the times to have, in addition to the king's banner of his coat of arms, a "badge" flag, often bearing a cross. Many such crossed banners were presented by the Popes, and one which crops up all over the former Holy Roman Empire is the white cross on red of the empire - it's even the origin of the Danish flag, called the Dannebrog, and the Swiss flag.

Until George came on the scene, England's badge was a white cross on blue, but this was replaced by St George's red cross - today the central element in Britain's Union Jack. The cross of St. George wasn't only a flag, though. While every knight and nobleman had his coat of arms, not all had a livery to dress their men-at-arms in, and soldiers without livery would wear the country's cross as a surcoat (cloth covering for their armour) when fighting for the king: so the English soldiers marched in white surcoats with red crosses or, if in livery, with white armbands bearing a red cross. One wonders if the "red cross army" might have inspired Onward Christian Soldiers. While the combined crosses of St. George, St. Andrew and "St. Patrick" have replaced the plain cross of St. George as Britain's national flag, the red cross is still the proper flag to fly from an English church. The red cross also finds its way into the coats of arms of Anglican churches across England and around the world. The compass rose emblem of the Church of the Province of Southern Africa has at its centre a silver (or white) shield bearing this cross and the letters CPSA; and the arms of the Diocese of Port Elizabeth, too, are based on St. George's cross. Legend or no, St George has left his mark on the English-speaking world

Well that's cleared that up then. Answered some questions and explains some paintings seen in Paris with knights and red crosses. Happy St. George's day!

Friday already

Well here I am again. Been a long week, but there again it hasn't. Who knows? Not really done much, just plodding along living my life. Got some stuff sorted in the right direction but nothing that affects the way I've felt. It hasn't takin me down any further, which is good but bad that I still feel it. See what the weekend brings.

I sound such a downer. I know that there are people who have it far worse than me. Can't help the way I feel I suppose.

Taking hold...going down?

I can feel it trying to take hold. Trying to fight it but I know it's gonna take me down at some point. If I just knew what I was doing. I just know by now I should have some clue, but I don't. It's becomming stale, I'm becomming stale.

I realise others don't, but that's not my problem. I just know each day, week, month that goes by I'm still here goin 'hu?'. I'm nearly 24, should I be worrying about this or is it still too early? I'm nearly 24 should I be trying to have fun or worrying about where I'm going and what I should be doing?

I look around and it appears to me some are more sorted. Appearances can be deceptive I know. I want some of what they have, not in a jealous way, just in a way I feel that it should be me by now. They've had chances and stuff happen, maybe it's fcked them over, but it's all been experinces.

I look arround and it appears some are far less sorted and have no idea. I don't want that. I think I'm somewhere in between, but could slip into this section so easily.

Now the big one...relationships. They can be good, they can be bad. They can make you feel wonderful, they can fck you over. I know all this and and want one. Not in the 'oh god I've been single for soooo long' way, but more the fact i just want someone else in my life who is not just a mate.
I crave attention and affection. I'm not ashamed to admit that any more. If I'm too much I'm sorry but I've learnt that that's me and so be it. I love hugs. I cannot remember the last proper hug I had. Not the 'hello' or 'goodbye' ones, they happen alot, but a proper 'I'm huggin you cos I care and I'm here for you' hug. Oh man, gone all soppy and emotional...

...right sorted myself. Just some recent chats have brought it all to the surface again.I've posted some of this before, but the feelings aint goin away. I've seen people go in and out of them, still I'm sat on the sidelines just watching. Well I'm not gonna find it on here am I?

Wish someone would come along, read this blog and go there, there its all gonna be ok. That's never gone happen...all down to me...I'm fcked...

Nearly a week and not posted anything. Don't think it's because I've had nothing to say, just would have all been the same as I have previously posted. Still the same thoughts, feelings and worries. Sat here a couple of times staring at the blank box. Nothing new came out.

Feel a bit happier today, might because I'm trying to chill out. Still can't switch off tho, and getting really bored. Oh well, get paid for two days of it.

One blogger to another

Not sure why I'm posting this, just fell I wanted to. Maybe it should be kept private? Spose it can be seen on p's blog, but hope it's ok?

www.youmusthaveknow.blogspot.com/2006/04/rough-draft.html

I said...

Just read your blog and felt like I had to type something. Reading thru it all it seems you have put stuff I have been feeling and thinking since I first accepted I was gay, including parts I was afraid to blog myself. Keep it up, it's all good but a bit weird to see the stuff I'm feeling/thinking on another blog. Hope it all goes well with your brothers.


p said...

aw, thanks. i'm pulling through, and i hope you are, too.


p's email reply...

thanks, fellow lost soul... i need any well-wishing i can get. hope your situation turns out better. we'll do our best with what we've got.

Me

Feel I'm always apologising in some way for what I've done or said. Just trying, at the moment and having been told, to do what I think is right. Look back and see that maybe it wasn't, feel crap about it and then have to try and make it up some how. Is that the problem, the trying to work it out after? Should I just leave it as what I've said or done?

Chilling out and stopping the worrying is the key, but I don't think I will ever completely work like that. Not me I'm afraid. Should I and do I have to keep saying sorry for the way I am?

Tonite

Was thinking of a load of stuff to blog but can't really remember any of it. The danger of pre-planning an entry I suppose.

Ever get the feeling you are alone?

Did sit at first thinking what a sad, lonely guy I had become. Got a few looks at first, but I'm never gonna see those people again. The longer it got, and the more relaxed I became, the less I cared. Not my fault some of my friends are slackers (only aimed at certain people). Just thought 'bolox! Quite thinking and act!' Didn't quite make it too where I wanted, but it's a start.

Did conclude that there are far to many good looking straight guys...maybe i'm just too much of a sucker for the tatts and/or piercing thing...maybe that's to much info? Hey, my blog, deal with it.

Has made me realise, even more, that I need more people outside of my frendship group. A shame, but true. Nothing against them and def not havin a go. just need to try and branch out more. A reocurring theme throughout out this blog I know. Just feel I'm being left even further behind. My fault, not theirs and something I need to address and deal with.

All in all not a bad nite...always thinking and pondering tho...

Same shit...

I thought a break would do me good. I thought it would give me a chance to get away from it all and a chance to see it's not all that bad. I was wrong. Still all the the same. Here I am with the same feelings and thoughts, some stonger than before. Was looking for a miracle really I suppose. Just never happy I guess. Always wanting things to be different and not content with the stuff that comes my way.

The one big issue I don't think will ever be resolved. Can't do much or it will all become complicated and make things worse than they are. It's difficult to discuss, there is a huge trust thing which I know will be broken one way or another. Gonna have to ride it out and see where it takes me. Prob on my own for this one.

I often wish I wasn't me. Not so much my personality but just not to worry or feel the things I do would be great for a bit. Just to be able to get on with things. Poss not a bad as I was, or at least show it less than I did. But then is that right? Not really showing my true self that way. But does anybody?

Paris Baby!

Been a while but I'm back here now. Arrr the Paris expereince...was going to write about the trip but think I'll just leave it as pics. Had a great time despite certain issues. Gonna forget them and remember the good shit. No point on dwelling on stuff that can't be changed and let it bring the experince down. Now back to reality...