10 Steps

Ten steps to being a better gay

(Not gonna own up to how many I could follow.)

1) Demolish false idols; ie, the Margaret Thatcher of Pop - Madonna.

2) Obsess only on people who will attend your funeral - accept now that Victoria Beckham won't be among them.

3) Realise that it's left-field ideology, such as the Health Service, which is saving gay men's lives, NOT Kylie.

4) Accept that mental health problems are more prevalent than ABBA.

5) Understand that drag is dead; grieve and move on.

6) Understand that gay men are made from more than muscle and cock.

7) Realise that Religion is the enemy of all things queer. (no so sure on that one)

8) Stop watching shite like Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.

9) Stop the hetrosexualisation of homsexuality; don't adopt broken hetrosexual constraints.

10) Belive that everybody is worth love.

...

Trust

Trust is a bit of a strange one. Most think you have to earn it but surely you have had to give a bit to then let that person earn it. And how can a person earn it if you never give them something to trust them with? I suppose you start with the little things, kinda tests I suppose, see how they get on, what they do with the info and slowly build it up over time.

There is a small amount of people who seem to give trust straight away. Are these the seinsible ones? Not letting it worry them and just trying to get on with it and the people around them. Not so sure when at some point they are sure to get taken advantage of or burnt in some way.

In a way it's kinda sad that you have to give yourself that kind of protection when it comes to friends. The fact that we have to prove our selves in some way. Part of a friendship is about the trust you have, hopefully, in each other. There again I suppose it all has to start and be built up from somewhere. As I said it's just a protection thing, a defense mechanism, human nature.

I could possibly be too trusting a points. Maybe giving away more that I need to? From personal experience when it has been broken it's very difficult for it to be built up again and makes it harder to continue trusting others.

What happens when the person is not yet a 'physical' one? By this I mean people you talk to through a messenger or by email. Makes it kinda difficult when the person is 'faceless'. Sure you can send pics but just because you are being truthful it don't mean they are. This is a whole different set of trust.

Maybe I'm just being to cynical? Just listening to the bad stories rather than finding the good ones that never seem to surface.

I've got no real idea where any of this came from. Maybe as I'm trying (being the word) to get to know more people it's kinda on my mind? Maybe as I look around there's a certain amount of trust stuff going on around me?

Think I might be getting old. Overheard a converstaion the other day, didn't really make sense...well to me...not 'down' with the kids lol!

Guy "What did you do for your Birthday?"

Girl "Oh went out shopping, boyfriend bought me a ring, family meal."

guy "yeah izzit?"

erm...izzit what?...yeah?...err I dunno!

Why is it so hard?

Why is so hard for some people to make a decision or to come back with an answer when asked to do something? At first I thought it was just to do with me but just lately I've seen things with others. I'm glad(kinda)it's not.

I appreciate that people are busy and need to find time to reply and that often the 'reply time' maybe the only break they are getting away from everything, but still a simple yes or no will do. Two small words. Even if the ting is happening in a months time, and you've asked weeks in advance, it still takes some that whole month to come back with a definate answer...and even then it's a faffy 'I'm still not sure'!

I admit I'm not the best decision maker in the world. I admit that sometimes I'm like it aswell, just leaving that extra time to see who else maybe going or to think about if whatever it is, is realy me. Nine times outta ten I try and get an answer back as quick as I can. I know what it's like to be left around waiting and wondering what's going on so try not let it happpen on my part.

On some occassions I know the people leaving it and leaving it are the first to start whinging when nobody has replied to them. That people have deserted them, nobody want's to do it or what they are planning will be a total disaster.

Again maybe I should just leave it and let it all go over my head. Maybe I should just chill out? But then how are you supposed to sort and arrange anything? Really don't wanna fall out with anyone over it. More often than not you get there eventually.

Maybe I should stop the asking and invites? Adds more stress than it's worth. The problem being when you have people saying 'we should see each other more', 'we should do more stuff', 'I bored of my life', 'wish I got invited out more', 'I wanna go out and have so fun' then you think yeah lets do summin. A week later it's why do I bother?

I don't like Mondays.

You know those mornings where you're fast alsleep and your alarm goes off and you thing 'no not again! time already?!'. Well I had that really badly this morning. There was something in the back of my mind telling me not to go into to work today. Did I listen? Nope! Did I wish I had? By 10 yep! Anything that could go wrong did go wrong. Ended with all four staff going against the 'manager' and making her cry. Oh well, maybe people will be listened to in future instead of the game of 'I know best' being played.

Learning?

Well I thought I'd learnt from a few times before, but obviously I hadn't. Different people, different circumstances but results still the same. Never mind.

Maybe it's time to start doing what I've been thinking for a while. Seems a bit severe but may need to be done for me to move on. Best all round? Don't wanna do it 'cos it's gonna be a big rench. Maybe I won't go the whole way but def need to sort it some how.

There is a small light at the end of the tunnel, but who knows about that?

Not all bad

Well I tried and failed. Feel bad about it cos it shouldn't have happened, just me being me again. Hope it didn't affect too much.

In a way now glad I stayed here otherwise wouldn't have had the past couple of hours I just did and wouldn't be feeling how I do. Def a step forward but need to keep it going...don't stuff this up. Positivity, confidence, no worries.

Blah!

In a fowl mood and dunno why. Well do but but a result of a few small things building up and piling on me. Was fine with it all but past few hours and stuff i was doin got me down a bit so all taken hold now.

Saw the red mist setting but did well and have no casulties yet. Usually someone takes it but doin well and tryin not to inflict it on anyone.

More annoyed cos it's not just one thing so can't sort it straight away. Gonna have to work through it all. Again some it I can't really sort and may just have to live with but most I can try and get a result.

Well lets see what sleep and tomorrow brings...

Another piece of the net

Might as well throw it open to as many people as I can...could be a mistake but hey I'll live. just opened a page on myspace ( http://www.myspace.com/mark_elderfield ). Got most of what I want on there now but hopefully keep it up to date and stuff.

I know everyone is doing it but figure something good should come out of it. Might be more successful than other stuff I'm on and give more of an idea of me. Oh well time will tell.

Sunday ramble

It's strange how you can go through life finding out or being told stuff and either adapting or not. It's funny how you can build up a level of acceptance to some things but on others there is no budging.

Stuff that would have freaked me out or sent my head off on one doesn't seem to have affected me as much as it once did. Maybe it's me maturing or something? Maybe it's me realising that people are as they are and do what they want or need to? If you have a problem either sort it, accept it, as is probably the best way, or if it's that bad, and hope I never do this, maybe cut yourself out.

Some things have made me realise that once again I'm not progressing as much as some but I'm not stressing (yet). Do i need to keep comparing myself to others? Maybe to a point, if we are all the same age then there should be some kind of level that we are all at. I realise that we are doing all different things and have different experinces and oppotunites over the past few years. looking over the fence you can't help thinking how you may have missed out or wished you had parts of the life. Not that I'm hugely dissapointed with mine, but could make vast improvments.

Saying that last bit, it's not like I haven't tried. Sometimes what I've gone to do hasn't worked or it's not been what I've expected. I think on the part I'm heading in the right direction. Just need to do it at a quicker pace and more of it. I'm just still laking alot of the c word but if I keep thiking it then it will always be there and always constantly keep me down.

Strange how I can be in a room full of friends and say almost anything loving some of the attention being on me. Put me in a room full of strangers and I shift to the background and maybe manage a sentance the whole time. Logically i'd think that it would work the other way. Maybe not completley intp the shadows when with friends. Then with strangers talk more and be more myself so that theay can get to know me and know what I'm like. Instead I'm probably seen as the quiet one or maybe the 'quiet friend'...kinda lost where I was going with this now...

Is this blog seen as a rambling, random account? If it is it's a great reflection on me LOL. I just type as I think...rarely plan anyhting, that kinda defeats the point as it's not fresh from my head then. Anything posted on here is on here 'cos I want it to be. I don't care who reads. I don't care what I get asked. That's the whole point of this blog for me. I suppose the flip of that is that I often read other blogs and sit and think about if questions should be asked?

This again

It's stupid, I say I wanna get out and meet people, am given the chance and then say I'm not sure and try and back out. Poss not in much of a partying mood for summin like it at the mo, poss cos I know what it may be like.

Just wanna have a few drinks and relax but know I'm gonna be on edge for most of it. Really don't wanna offend or be seen as the 'boring' one which I know I can partly be sometimes. Can hear people saying go for it, but is there any point if I'm not gonna be 100%?

Well the alternative is staying here. Won't be that bad and have a bit of 'me' time and sort some stuff...maybe...boring I know...but it's the weekend.