Tired

I feel physically and mentally tired. This morning at work it just came over me, this whole drained feeling. Stood there thinking can I carry on? Not entirely sure why. I feel part of it is just me thinking and usually worrying stuff, be it something or someone. I'm tired of reading more into situations and what is said than there is, then going away and worrying about being a dick and pissing people off. I just don't stop. I'm tired of trying to sort it all out. I don't mind the whole process, I like to help and I know I need to sort stuff, but sometimes it all gets a bit much and I need to take a step back. Even then I don't feel relaxed and still have to go back whether it be actually to it or just in my head.

I feel sometimes after it is all sorted that it's gets thrown back at me or it's not been appriciated. That can explain how I am and how i react, not always, but sometimes. I know I can get more involved than I should. Just makes me feel that there was no point and that it had just been a waste of time energy. Not sure....just thinking this part is me making more out of it than is meant and being my usual insecure self...

None of this means that I want people to stop comming to me for help with the problems and stuff. Wouldn't be much of a friend if I just stop listening and helping. This is all just how I feel at the moment and how long it will last I dunno. Just have to see.

Wasted time

Been thinking about all the wasted time I seem to have in my life. Whether it's been just me sitting around doing nothing or waiting for others, be it to make a descion or just for them to be around. I know that it's not their fault and it goes back to me needing to be more independant I suppose. Even at the weekends I seem to have gone back the Saturday shopping thing, just going for the sake of going just so it feels like I'm doing something. Loads of people seem to be able to keep themselves occupied and have stuff to do but I just seem to keep going down the same path, ususally just looking straight ahead. I'm still not really sure what I want or where I'm going, trying to figure it but just keep getting more confused. Try to get myself busy but can never seem to think of anyhting worth while to do. I just don't seem to have a proper interest in anything and it's begininning to piss me off.

Missed Opportunities

Just started to think about all the missed opportunities I have had to say what i really need to. I don't know if I haven't because i'm afraid of what might be said back or that what I have to say is of real no importance. Possibly a mixture of both. Sometimes I really have to force myself to say it, other times it just just flows out and other times I just don't see the point. I'm thinking how different some situations might have been or how different things would be and how I feel if I had just opened my mouth. Some can still be said and for some it is too late and I may never know. I also think that these people are my friends, surely they can listen to and take what I have to say.....still nothing comes out. I'm probably better than I was and say more than I did before, but it's still not enough. Sometimes it gets me really unhappy and down, knowing I have something to say and no one knowing what it is. I feel stupid for not being able to say it and not being able to face what the reaction might be to it or me.

Not really sure what is going on at the moment. Think the happy period is over but not really sure if it was one. Feel ok at the moment cos I've got some tunage going on but that's only a short term thing. Think I made my self happy, which is ok, but had no real reason behind it apart from making me feel better. Maybe it is a state of mind but think you always need a reason or something to happen for it to be justified, well in my head anyway.

Spose it started with the prospect of a new job and making contact again. Surprise, surprise both of those have dissapeared angain and I'm back to where I always am. I know I should give up one and concentrate on the other but it's difficult to let go of the last, smallest chance. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad, at least I have a job, somwhere to live and great mates (those that are around). Nothing against them it just isn't enough. I know only I'm the only one who can sort me out. I know not to put all your hopes onto one thing then be really down when it goes belly up. It's easy to listen to the advice, acting on it is a different thing.

Instant dick.....just add alcohol

Well you did it to me again. Not fair I suppose, I did play a major part in it. I just don't like what you make me become. It's all my bad points but 10 times worse. It needs to stop before it becomes a serious problem....pretty borderline I think! I always feel bad and shit afterwards and think it's gotta change. I still I go back. More often than not it's a shitty one. That's the problem, I think about all the good times I've had and think this one will be one to. Then I go and spoil it, flip out.....instant dick.....just add alcohol....

Seeing

If you can come to mine....I know u have.....then why not the other way?....Just asking....If u wanna stop I will...I know I have no right...not angry just annoyed.....would have been better in a txt/email I know

Still going

Not much to say but about time I stated with the good stuff on here. Still going in the right direction.....some things quicker than others!

Up?

And so I start the process again. The long struggle back up. Think I'm definately ready. Not a start over but a fresh new approach to old problems and situations. It's been done before and I can do it again. Enough of the wallowing, the whining, moaning, whinging. Time to look up. I see it all up there, like a bright light, just gotta keep at it and reach it. Will take time but it'll be worth it.....I hope.....nope none of that.....IT WILL BE! Gotta figure some shit out first, poss look at the people around me, but should be all good. Need to see stuff and people for what they are not what I want or expect them to be. Please let me continue up.......