Me

Had a really great evening last night, so no matter how this post turns out, still happy. Dunno, just seem to be analysing a lot just lately. Prob a good thing, but also prob a bad thing.

I originally say I want to go out and meet people, so I organise something for me to to have the chance. It then never works out how I want it too. I just seem to focus on the music and not worry about anything else until it's too late and we are on the way home. Just love the fact that you can be lost in the music but at the same time be with everyone else all doing and enjoying the same thing. This isn't a bad thing, part of what I want to do and def havin a good time. Need to now remember to do the other part.

As to why I do it, not too sure. Prob down to the fact I feel 'safe' and don't have to face the unknown so much. Once again tho I have these oppotunities and I just let them slip away. Yeah there will be more but need to start acting.

Who knows? Should I just stop looking/analysing everything and just let it happen?

Routine rut

Still stuck in same rut, still doing the same routine. Made a plan to break out but not getting very far. Nothing is really wrong, just the usual. Getting bored, restless and feel i'm going down again. All the things are stuff I can sort myself, it's just knowing how to tackle them. Even typing the same old stuff...blah...blah...blah...

Getting too much

Ok while you were away I missed you. While you are here you piss me off. Just can't win. Def time to start thinkin of own space.

Wish i had come on and typed when it was goin cos now don't feel so much about it now.

yes ok it is slightly an important thing but i've got far more important stuff to be sortin out, physically and in my head. You have no clue. Part of that is down to me. Yep I tell you stuff but only as much as I wanna and sometimes more cos I can't reach anyone else at that point.

Knew I shouldn't have mentioned it cos you would then go on and on for god knows how long. Then you wonder why I start being sarcy or get in a mood. Just leave me too it, I'll sort it in my own time when I'm ready. Maybe that isn't good enough and maybe it does need sortin quicker but I get there eventually in my own time. I do vaguely know what i'm doin.

Think I tell you more than most others do but it's never the major stuff. Maybe I would tell you more and maybe let you in more if I knew I wouldn't get the reactions and the repeats I do.

There is one major problem in all I've typed and all i'm thinkin....I do see myself in you......

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On a totally seperate subject....I don't mean to always write negative things one here. Can imagine people reading all this and thinking 'moan...moan...moan'. Just means I direct less of it a others and gives me a way to think through some stuff.

Was gonna do a long post but don't feel like it now. Feel crap, head all over the place and dunno what i'm doin.....hey ho..

Mind Fck

After all this time why bother now? Kinda glad you did it but not sure I needed it. Sticking to the descisions I had made. Movin on. Just when I had started to focus on something else. Def didn't wanna know some info....would have never been anything in it but even so. Was it said to make it clear? Has it always been the case? Was I reading it wrong? Were u just leadin me on? AAAHHH dammit!

Here I go again?

Here I go again....I think. Not sure how to take the first step, what to do or say. The longer I leave the worse it will become and appear. Dunno why but seems more difficult as there's as some one elase started it this time. Dunno what's been said and how they have reacted to it.

Keep thinking just go for it.....but how? All about the confindence. Well i'm screwed then! Whatever I do and how it pans out I'm not gonna get so hung-up on it this time....yeah ok. As was said to me "I reckon u got more to gain than loose yeah?...Take the oppotunity and have some fun!" Why is it so difficult....I'm such a knob!

Comming here

Been thinking today how sometimes I come on here type stuff, go away, and then forget what I have tyed. Occassionally I have to come back and read posts I have written to see what I was thinking or feelin. Just seems I use this as a way of gettin rid of how I feel and think and that once it is on here that is it, I don't have to deal with it any more. It's forgotten until it comes and smacks me round the head again.

Not sure if that is how most use their blogs, once it is out, floating around wherever this goes, then it's kinda dealt with. I suppose it's a way of letting out the emotion you are feeling at the time. Is that a good thing, to use this in that way rather than go deal with the problem? To let it go on by typing about it rather than facing it? i know that's how I sometimes work. Hoping some one will read and have a brilliant piece of advice they will share and make it all good. Nope never works.

Not saying all blogs are like this. Some are brilliant and good to read. Those who do use them as a way of venting their spleen don't the whole time.

Another way of looking at it is that it shows we are all really the same. We all have problems, emotions and feelings and that they are all of the same basic things. You can always find a blog that mirrors your own in one way or another.

All of this doesn't mean I'm gonna stop blogging. Although I think I lost where I was going with this or the reason I stareted it. Just thinking about the reasons I do it and why. Think I need to deal with things more so than I've started to rather than just sitting here typing about them.

Just a thought...

.....it's funny how difficult it can be to create life, yet can be so easily taken away...

One room+me+23 years=FCK!

Well I'm nearly there. Two black bags and one box full of cardboard and I'm gettin my room sorted. Stated on Sun, did a bit yesterday and hopefully finnish today. left the worse part 'til last. The dreaded draws/paperwork!

Felt a bit sad about it when I started Sun. I knew I had to throw a lot away but hadn't really thought about what it all was and what some had once meant to me. Felt like I was throwing part of me and my past away. I knew I still had the memories and the pictures for a long as they lasted. Somehow it still felt bad going thru the things remembering how I had collected them and why I had kept them.

Something in me then sparked to life and I remembered why I was doing this. To give me a better space to be in. To give me a chance to clear out the things that had once meant something to me but now didn't seem that important anymore. To give me chance to have a new, fresh start with the new year. To give me a chance to become more 'me' and not hang on to the past and be surrounded by the 'old me' things.

I'm sure I can clear a lot more, but hey, one bag at a time.

Reply to comment from Erm....

(I started to write this in the comment bit of my last post but think It may be worth a main post now. Prob best, if you've not, to read all that first)

Hi Crallspace! Thanx for the comment. Think what you said made a lot of sense and is very true.

Most of the time the only chance I get to catch up with mates is the weekend. We can go all week without any communication and then just meet up on a Friday and/or Saturday. In one way this is ok, a chance to see what each other has been doing without running out of stuff to say. In another I feel bad about it. No I shouldn't need them in my life for the entire week. Sometimes I feel it's a 'pick-up and drop' kinda thing and I'm surrounded by too many of those people. I hoped I wasn't one ot them. Maybe we all are to an extent.

Maybe that's the problem. I can't seem to have time to myself. if i'm going through or doing something then if no one else is there I feel it a wasted moment. A shame cos really it should be a time to enjoy the unique experince or use it to learn things about myself.

As you said, and I hope, it will be all OK. Don't think anyone really has it all figured out. Life would prob be very boring if they had. And yes definatley worries!

Erm....

Was gonna post but can't remember where I was gonna start. Was thinkin about it before I came here and now it's all run outta my head.....and watchin a programme on touretts so gettin distracted....

Not really sure where I'm fitting in anymore. Sometimes I feel that I'm in the middle of everything, and other times I feel a complete outsider. Never seems to be a happy medium. I guess I'm not the only one who feels like this and prob this is how many feel at points. Don't mean to appear selfish or watever.

There are times when I think i've gotta leave things alone but then begin to think that it may appear I'm ignoring or being rude. I then try to sort or make contact and then after a while feel I'm making it worse or being annoying.

Again worry, worry, worry!

Sometimes I think how nice it would be just to disappear for a bit. Not to run away from stuff but just not to have everything goin on....for everything to be going round in circles. Do I need to be around? Would I actually sort stuff out for myself to then come back and get it all sorted back here?....prob not. And it's not one particular thing or person which is the anoyin thing.

Just dunno....